Passing on values, traditions, and ideas is at the heart of parenting\u2014from the moment our children are born, and even before. It\u2019s often a natural blend of our own life experiences, learnings, and hopes. But when we take time to reflect, we can be more intentional about what we choose to pass on to our children. Lory Zephyr, psychologist, and Jessika Brazeau, journalist\u2014co-founders of \u00c7a va maman\u2014help shed light on this important topic.<\/p>\n
Hello Lory, hello Jessika. Some people have children because they want to pass something down to them. We imagine skiing as a family or recreating grandma\u2019s recipe. These dreams can be a driving force behind starting a family. Is that a trap, or rather a helpful guide?<\/strong><\/p>\n Lory Zephyr: \u201cTo embark on the parenting journey, you do need a bit of that vision. It\u2019s not \u2018wrong\u2019 to picture yourself in those scenarios, but the question becomes: if things don\u2019t turn out the way you imagined, can you adapt? If I thought we\u2019d be a family of skiers, but it turns out I\u2019m the only one who enjoys it, do I keep forcing everyone onto the slopes winter after winter, or do I accept that maybe our shared passion is music instead? Sometimes we have to let go of the scenario we imagined in order to embrace the reality. We gave it a try, it didn\u2019t work, so we move on.\u201d<\/p>\n As parents, is it inevitable that we compare ourselves to our own parents?<\/strong><\/p>\n Jessika Brazeau: \u201cI think so! My family is the society I internalized. So yes, I\u2019ll compare what I give, and what I don\u2019t give, to what I received.\u201d<\/p>\n L. Z.: \u201cThat said, comparing isn\u2019t a bad thing, and it would be almost impossible as human beings not to do it. Comparison can bring insight, but we have to be mindful of the mindset it puts us in. Am I always comparing to make myself feel less competent, or even superior? Feeling inferior or superior won\u2019t help us grow as parents. We need to draw nuanced lessons from these comparisons.\u201d<\/p>\n And becoming a better parent, or a better mother, for our<\/em> child. For each<\/em> of our children. Every child has different needs; we can\u2019t be the same parent to all of them!<\/strong><\/p>\n L. Z.: \u201cThat\u2019s actually the foundation of attachment theory\u2014adjusting to the child in front of us, not the ideal child we wished for. There can be disappointment, even grief, when we realize our child doesn\u2019t have the traits we had hoped for. But ultimately, it\u2019s our job as parents to adapt to our children. If my first child is calm, patient, and gentle, and the second is hyperactive and driven, I have to learn how to meet each of their different needs and wishes without comparing them. It\u2019d be easier if kids were alike, but they rarely are.\u201d<\/p>\n J. B.: \u201cI often blame myself for how my kids react. But I\u2019m the same mom to all of them, and they still react differently to the same situation. Lory always reminds me that each child has their own personality\u2014and that in any reaction, part of it is me, but part of it is them too!\u201d<\/p>\n As parents, are we really able to break away from the parts of our own upbringing that we didn\u2019t like?<\/strong><\/p>\n J. B.: \u201cProbably, but only if we\u2019ve taken time to sort through our own past. When I\u2019m triggered, the first thing that comes out is usually a repetition of what I saw or experienced when I was younger. So there\u2019s a big process of unlearning involved.\u201d<\/p>\n L. Z.: \u201cI think there\u2019s just as much pressure, whether you want to reproduce or avoid certain behaviours. Some people had traumatic childhoods, but others say, \u2018My mom was perfect.\u2019 And thinking your mother was perfect can create unrealistic expectations for yourself. We need to step back and recognize, \u2018I am me, and my child is their own person.\u2019 We have to find our own balance. We can\u2019t blindly try to replicate\u2014or avoid replicating\u2014our parents\u2019 ways. I\u2019m not my parent, and my child is not me as a child. That perspective gives us flexibility in discovering who we are as parents.\u201d<\/p>\n J. B.: \u201cI had a particular dynamic with my own mother, and I was afraid her reactions, which sometimes still affect me, would impact my children the same way. But they don\u2019t! I was trying to protect them, but I\u2019ve learned to see things differently.\u201d<\/p>\n How can we ensure coherence between what we model for our children and what we want to pass on?<\/strong><\/p>\n L. Z.: \u201cIf I want to pass something on to my child but behave in the opposite way, that creates pressure for the child to become someone I\u2019m not! But life also involves dealing with contradictions. For instance, if I\u2019m disrespectful to my partner once\u2014but respectful the vast majority of the time\u2014my child will still understand the value of respect. Kids are smart. They can make sense of context.\u201d<\/p>\n J. B.: \u201cIt\u2019s also important to show reconciliation. Sometimes kids witness a parental argument, but not the moment when they make up later. Showing that matters. What\u2019s the best way to talk about what we want to pass on with a partner or co-parent?<\/strong><\/p>\n L. Z.: \u201cWhen you disagree on important issues, it\u2019s worth having multiple conversations until you find a compromise that works for both of you. Naturally, the more open and safe your communication is, the easier that process will be. But we all share one key goal: wanting what\u2019s best for our kids and their development. That\u2019s a solid starting point!\u201d<\/p>\n J. B.: \u201cI recently separated, and at first I was obsessed with consistency between our two homes. I wanted our kids to experience the same rules and values whether they were with mom or dad. But now, I see differences as a source of richness. Showing them various models may actually help them figure out who they are\u2014and who they want to become.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Passing on values, traditions, and ideas is at the heart of parenting\u2014from the moment our children are born, and even before. It\u2019s often a natural blend of our own life experiences, learnings, and hopes. 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\nI also try to be more aligned with how I actually feel. If I\u2019m angry and my whole body is showing it, I don\u2019t deny it anymore. Even though my instinct might be to say, \u2018I\u2019m not mad,\u2019 I now acknowledge my emotion and explain why I feel that way.\u201d<\/p>\n