{"id":43929,"date":"2022-03-08T10:52:58","date_gmt":"2022-03-08T15:52:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/?p=43929"},"modified":"2022-03-14T15:25:06","modified_gmt":"2022-03-14T19:25:06","slug":"step-parenthood-interview-with-valerie-roberts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/magazine\/interviews\/step-parenthood-interview-with-valerie-roberts\/","title":{"rendered":"Step-parenthood – interview with Val\u00e9rie Roberts"},"content":{"rendered":"

THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNITION<\/span> \u2014 <\/i><\/span>Host, cultural columnist, writer, and author Val\u00e9rie Roberts became known to the general public in 2007. Since 2015, she has been in a relationship with chef Martin Juneau. She is the step-mother of his two children, and now a new mother of a little girl, Lucie.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In recent years, Val\u00e9rie gradually became a role model and a spokesperson for step-parents in Quebec. In 2020, her book La blonde de papa <\/i>was released in bookstores, bringing recognition and reassurance to step-parents. In May 2021, with the support of the Minister of Families, Mathieu Lacombe, Val\u00e9rie established National Step- Parents’ Day to celebrate those who often play a fundamental role in the lives of children. With authenticity and kindness, she explains her journey and her mission to us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\n

Why did you decide to create a day from scratch rather than amalgamating the celebration with the existing Mother\u2019s Day and Father\u2019s Day?\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cThe idea for National Step-Parents\u2019 Day emerged in my mind when I started spending time with my step-daughters six years ago. When I met them, Simone was five and L\u00e9onie was two. They were young, but very early on, we had discussions about the place I was taking in relation to their mother. In the beginning, whenever we passed people in the street and they complimented me on \u201cmy daughters,\u201d Simone and L\u00e9onie would automatically reply, \u201cShe\u2019s not our mother! She\u2019s not our mother!\u201d But the more time passed, the less they felt the need to say it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, everyone knows I\u2019m not their mother. In any event, in our family, we know it very well! The girls associate my role with that of a second mother, but the term \u2018mom\u2019 isn\u2019t for me. I felt like every time the girls acknowledged my presence in their lives on Mother\u2019s Day, they felt like they were betraying their mom a bit, which is quite normal.\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, it seemed easier for the children to create another day entirely, to avoid conflicts of loyalty and uneasiness. I found it ridiculous and absurd that there was a World Nutella Day and a World Procrastination Day, but not one for people, men and women, who are involved body and soul in a relationship where the child isn\u2019t their own, but who treat them that way.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\n

With the release of your book, people have found a waypoint\u2026<\/h3>\n

\u201cYes, because it\u2019s a complicated situation. Overnight, you have to find your place as a human being with your lover, but also with their children, and with the ex-husband\/wife, who is the children\u2019s other parent. Many questions arise at the same time: Will I be accepted by all the family members? Will I be able to discipline the children? Do I want to share my values with them? It\u2019s a big challenge, because it all depends on the parent you\u2019re in a relationship with, but also on the one you\u2019re not. Although they aren\u2019t in your romantic relationship or your family, they\u2019re still part of the circle of this blended family.<\/p>\n

In short, it\u2019s all very complicated, so when no one talks about it either and it\u2019s hard to find resources or books on the subject, it\u2019s normal to feel alone!\u201d<\/p>\n

The girls associate my role with that of a second mother, but the term \u201cmom\u201disn\u2019t for me.<\/em><\/h2>\n

 <\/p>\n

Quite rightly! Do you think it\u2019s necessary to set up certain infrastructures to provide support for step-parents?<\/h3>\n

\u201cStep-parenthood affects a large number of families in Quebec, but we prefer to act as if it doesn\u2019t exist that much. It\u2019s a bit taboo. There are many things that are in place, except they aren\u2019t widely known, and even if you do some research, they\u2019re not easy to find. In particular, in recent years, I discovered the R\u00e9seau pour un Qu\u00e9bec Famille and the F\u00e9d\u00e9ration des associations de familles monoparentales et recompos\u00e9es du Qu\u00e9bec (FAFMRQ). However, not everyone feels like consulting an association to improve in their role as a step-parent. It\u2019s an investment of time that might scare some people off. Going to the bookstore and buying a book, for example, is much less of a commitment.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a wide variety of resources for new mothers and those preparing to experience motherhood. But not for step-parents. Even the word \u2018step-parenthood\u2019 doesn\u2019t really exist. We have \u2018joint parenthood,\u2019 \u2018LGBT parenthood\u2019\u2026 Most types of parenthood have a term to define them, but not \u2018step-parenthood.\u2019<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I\u2019m working with the Office qu\u00e9b\u00e9cois de la langue fran\u00e7aise to get it added, and I also asked them to question the French terms \u2018belle-parentalit\u00e9,\u2019 \u2018beau-parent,\u2019 \u2018belle-m\u00e8re,\u2019 and \u2018beau-p\u00e8re.\u2019 Because whenI created the day, people would write to me to tell me, \u2018I love my son-in-law,\u2019 since \u2018beaux-parents\u2019 means both \u2018step-parents\u2019 and \u2018in-laws\u2019 in French. But no, we\u2019re not talking about that! It\u2019s strange that there isn\u2019t a specific word. In English, there\u2019s \u2018step-father\u2019 and \u2018step-mother,\u2019 and \u2018father-in-law\u2019 and \u2018mother-in-law.\u2019 In Spanish, too, there are different terms, and in many languages around the world ultimately, but not in French.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\n

In your opinion, why don\u2019t we talk about this reality very much?\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cWe still really aspire to have a loving relationship that will never end and to keep the family together, so it\u2019s hard to admit that there has been an \u2018explosion\u2019 within a family. I also think that the conflicts that may exist between a step-father and a father, and between a step-mother and a mother, feed this taboo.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve also already publicly questioned whether step-parents should have rights with respect to the children. I remember getting a lot of outraged and surprised comments from parents. As if step-parenthood takes something away from the biological parents, while they will always remain the child\u2019s parents. And we say all the time that it takes a village to raise a child, but my God, we sure don\u2019t want it to be a step-parent! Why?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had step-mothers in my life myself: my parents separated when I was six years old. Did I have affinities with some of them? Are there women I kept in my life? Yes, of course. But did they replace my mother? Never! My mother is my mother.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\n

What can be done to preserve the well-being of the children while creating a blended family, which is an overwhelming stage for everyone?\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think there\u2019s any secret. You just have to remember that they are at the centre of the family, that they are the ones being dragged from one house to the other, and that you, as a step-parent, are coming into their daily life, but they didn\u2019t choose you! It\u2019s about being able to be a part of their lives without disrupting them too much, listening to their needs and what they want to tell you. Children are really smart, and they understand a lot more than we think. Something we established from the start was this desire to speak openly with the girls. \u2018When somebody in the street tells you that you\u2019re my daughter and that you\u2019re beautiful, what do we do? Does it upset you? Does it bother you? Would you rather we answer that I\u2019m not your mother and correct them? Or, since you and I know very well that you\u2019re not my daughter and I\u2019m not your mother, should we have fun with it instead and joke about it?\u2019 The children didn\u2019t ask for their parents to be separated or for another adult to come into their home, so you have to try to make the transition as smooth as possible.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/h3>\n

Do you think having had separated parents yourself helps you be a better step-parent?\u00a0<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cThere are models of step-mothers I\u2019ve had which I don\u2019t want to copy, and others I\u2019d like to be inspired by. The step-mother I\u2019ve had for the past 21 years is an amazing woman who never had any children, and who always considered my sister and me to be hers. And that was nothing against our mother. On the contrary: that was everything for us. My father lives in the United States, so when we went to their house, it was \u2018us.\u2019 It was \u2018our girls.\u2019 So, when I met Martin\u2019s daughters, I asked them if they were comfortable with me saying \u2018my daughters\u2019 and \u2018mine\u2019 when I talked about them. Because, for me, I always found it flattering when my step-mother would say I was her daughter. It meant she was proud of me and that she loved me.\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

I think if we talked about blended families more and saw more examples in the media, it could be inspiring. It\u2019s just important to see more of it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNITION \u2014 Host, cultural columnist, writer, and author Val\u00e9rie Roberts became known to the general public in 2007. Since 2015, she has been in a relationship with chef Martin Juneau. She is the step-mother of his two children, and now a new mother of a little girl, Lucie.\u00a0 In recent years, Val\u00e9rie […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":18,"featured_media":43926,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1973],"tags":[2535,2572,6048,3405,2574],"class_list":["post-43929","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interviews","tag-entrevue-en","tag-famille-en","tag-family","tag-interview","tag-parent-en"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43929","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/18"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=43929"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43929\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":44131,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/43929\/revisions\/44131"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/43926"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=43929"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=43929"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.stromspa.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=43929"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}